For HSPs and emotional empaths like me, your challenges with your sensitivity lie within the watery realm of emotions. As emotional empaths, there have often been times in my life where I have felt like a porous being, open to being invaded by whatever everyone else is feeling. Their sadness, worry or frustration jumps out at me, asking me to pay attention to it, asking me to take care of it. This makes it hard to demarcate a boundary between where I end and someone else begins.
It’s easy to get carried away by this ability to resonate with the energy around you. Sometimes, I have been like a bell, only bringing out the feelings of others. This is where empathy crosses over into unhealthy territory. Instead of being life-affirming, it becomes something that drains our energy.
Can Empathy Be Inappropriate?
It’s taken me decades to realize that there really is such a thing as inappropriate empathy. Over the past few years, I have come across ideas that cast a different light on empathy. Some of these ideas and questions might resonate with you:
Are you telling yourself a story about others that evokes inappropriate empathy?
There are two ways in which I empathize. One is a purely physical feeling, where I tend to experience what someone else is feeling. The other is putting myself in other people’s shoes and thinking of how I would react and sympathize with them.
In the past few years, I have started seeing how I can sometimes create entire story-lines about someone without really knowing them very well. For example, I might come to know of a traumatic incident in someone’s life by chance. I still don’t know this person very well. All I know is this one thing about them. But in my mind, I have often jumped many steps ahead and created a story about how this incident has affected them. I empathize and sympathize with them. The story resonates with my own wounds and with my own sense of wanting to root for the underdog. But later on, I see that this trauma did notaffect this person in this exact way. Just the fact of that trauma does not make that person a certain kind of person, or even more empathetic to other’s who might have their own wounds.
Emotional Empaths And Narcissists
Haven’t we all heard of those theories that say that an empath and a narcissist often have similar childhood wounds? The fact of the wound might be the same, but the way that we have dealt with them, the paths we might have taken, can be completely opposite. One person might deal with a wound by becoming so sensitive to the world around them that they pick up on even any minor signs of distress. Another might feel as if the world is out to get them and feel a sense of entitlement as if the world owes them something. Both these people see the world differently.
In short, similar experiences don’t mean that our journeys have been the same.
So, I am learning to fact check the stories that my mind spins, that makes me extend empathy to an imaginary story and an imaginary person. Maybe, it’s the shadow side of my creativity. I am an INFP, which means I live in the world of feeling and imagination. My feelings color my inner and outer world. But there are certain places in which imagination can serve us ill. It can make us too open when we should we discerning. It can make us fall for sob stories that we might later realize don’t hold up in the light of the day. It can cause us to over-identify and over-empathize.
Distinguishing Empathy And Resonance
It was in Dave Markowitz’s book Self-Care for the Self-Awarethat I came across the idea that empathy and compassion are two different things. I had never thought about these words and often used them interchangeably. Of course, sympathy was different. It is easy to sympathize with someone whose experiences or hurts might be similar. But I could put myself in different people’s shoes and feel their feelings. That was empathy. Wasn’t that always a higher feeling? Shouldn’t that lead to a better way of relating to others?
ReadingSelf-Care for the Self-Aware made me think about these questions. To me, it almost felt like empathy had a bigger second chakra component while compassion related to the heart chakra. It was possible to be compassionate without completely taking on the feelings of another. Of course, empathy was still required. How could you be compassionate without getting a taste of someone else’s experience? But there was more of an opening of the heart, less of the churning of emotions. You identified enough, but not more than enough.
So, empathy was necessary, but then you moved into action and you could do something about it. If I over-empathized, it seemed to me, there was something in the other person’s experience that was hooking something unresolved inside me. Maybe, what I was feeling wasn’t empathy at all, but actually, sympathy, even if our outside experiences or personalities were different.
I am still thinking about these questions, about how these feelings tie in with each other, how they segue into one another. When is it empathy? When is it empathy in which I resonate with a hidden kernel inside the other person’s experiences? When am I over-empathizing with them instead of seeing that something inside me has been activated? When is it pure sympathy, masking as empathy?
Am I getting taken in by a momentary feeling?
Owning The Challenge Of Being Emotional Empaths
It was a few years ago that I started owning the word empath. Before that, it had felt too woo-woo, too alternative, even for an admittedly alternative person like me. But as I read more and more descriptions of what it meant to be one of the emotional empaths, I saw that while the words that some people were using didn’t resonate with me, the experience they were describing was mine.
I felt other people’s emotions in my own body.
As I started owning this term, it was as if my numbed down parts came back to life. After years, I again had that experience of feeling open, sensitive to everything around me. When I saw a movie in which someone fell or had an accident, it was as if I felt that pain. No wonder people online talked about how hard it was for them to see horror movies or shows with violence.
But as I thought about this, I realized that I was feeling something so intense in reaction to a made-up feeling on screen. Obviously, the people in the movie or the T.V. show were not really hurt. They were acting.
This was problematic. This meant that anyone who was affecting a feeling could con me. Being emotional empaths does not mean that one lives in another person’s body or could pull back the layers and see their intention, their beliefs or what they valued. I was just hyper-sensitive to changes in feeling, a feeling that might be the result of a value-system I did not believe in, or a feeling that might be completely put on. Haven’t we all met those people who try to intimidate others by appearing more angry and forceful on the outside than they are on the inside about their position?
This meant that registering feelings so immediately did not always serve you well. They were not an accurate map of what someone really felt all the time. It also meant that even when the feelings were real, the person behind them had reached them through a very different process. I over-identified with their feeling, responding to it because it felt uncomfortable even though I did not resonate with their ideas or their value system. Feelings are just one part of understanding someone.
This question has brought me a little more awareness of the problematic ways in which I use my empathy. Sometimes, it’s not empathy at all. It’s enmeshment. Sometimes, I am listening to people go “poor-me” and venting even though I am hurting inside. Then, I need to turn some of that empathy to myself instead of always giving it to others. It is showing me that while I am sometimes (not always) over-empathetic with others, I often don’t have enough compassion and empathy for my own hurt parts.
Do you consider yourself one of the emotional empaths? Did any of these questions resonate with you? Did they maybe give you some ideas about why empathy can become so problematic? When is your empathy helpful and when does it become something that drains you?